Don’t Despair

I honestly thought the process for having a baby on my own was going to be easy. Not extremely easy but that there would be a flow to the process just hitting minor bumps along the road to being a mom. I am starting to see that isn’t so.

It all started about a month ago; I was getting these incredible never-ending head aches. I went to my doctor because I thought I was suffering from migraines. He decided to conduct some tests,CT scan, MRI and blood work, to see if everything was fine. I took this as a standard procedure to trying to figure out the cause of my head aches. I wasn’t worried that it would be anything horrible.

So, I kept with my plans to finding a fertility doctor. I came across a great doctor in Argentina. I found a website “Fertility Argentina”; were I came across some wonderful referrals and information about Dr Glujovsky. I was so happy that I had found such a remarkable doctor in a place where I wanted to live and start my family. I immediately emailed the clinic and Dr Glujovsky responded and answered all my questions. The next day to my amazement he called me so we could talk. We planned that I would send him all the tests results I had here in Canada so that he could look them over. He wanted to see what tests the doctors had conducted here and then we could move forward with starting the fertility treatment. I had given him notice that I would gather all my medical information in Canada and send it to him.

Last week my family doctor called me and asked me to book an appointment with him because he had received the results of my tests. I started to panic-doctor’s don’t just tell you to come in for a chat and a look-see of your results. I imagined the worst and then I started googling, MRI results, brain cancer all the things that could possible pop up in an MRI scan. I was devastated when I started seeing brain tumor, cancer, deminstia in all the search results so instead I opted to wait until I saw my doctor. Until the day of my appointment with my family doctor I didn’t really think about what could be issue. I just tried to forget and tried to stay away from webMD. Finally, the dreaded day arrived and as I was driving with my mom to the doctor’s office I wanted to scream and cry. I was so afraid I didn’t want to see the doctor because I didn’t want to face the reality of my situation but I also did because I needed to know what was wrong. All these horrible things rushed through my head and more importantly: “I’m going to die and I’m not even a mother!” I wanted the earth to swallow me whole, but I had to maintain composure for my mother’s sake. I know she was freaking out inside but she kept it together for me, and she didn’t ask how I felt because I know she knew how I was feeling. I just hid my tears behind my sun glasses hoping she wouldn’t notice. Upon my arrival to the doctor’s office I found there weren’t many patients this made me happy because it would mean I would get my results faster-WRONG AGAIN! My appointment was scheduled at 1:00 p.m. and I was sitting waiting… waiting… waiting.. waiting. It felt like an eternity, I wanted to run and scream but before I was able to about 30 minutes later my doctor walked in. Then he couldn’t get his freaking iPad to bring up the results which resulted in more frustration for me, usually I’m not this antsy but I just wanted to know. Finally! the damn thing worked and he told me that they diagnosed me with chiari malformation. I thought to myself great something else to add to my long list of issues.There’s pressure created by my brain protruding down my spine causing the headaches. This can be resolved with medicine and minor surgery. GREAT! I was disappointed; this means I’m going to have to put a hold on my plan to be a mother.

Right now, I am trying to make sense of it all. What do I do? I have to wait for another appointment which will define if and when I’ll have the surgery. I just never expected something like this to happen-now! If anything this experience has helped me realize that I don’t want to die without leaving a part of me here. I want to experience the joy of being a mother, unfortunately, right now I will have to put a hold on my plans but I haven’t given up. I still gathered all my information for Dr Glujovsky and I plan to move forward with the fertility treatment.

Life is too precious to leave everything for tomorrow.

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Posted in 2012 | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

So it begins

I remember being six years old and carrying my dolls to the kitchen to start a chat with my neighbor about being a mommy. (Note: neighbor was actually my mom cooking in the kitchen). I remember carrying all my “babies” my dolls and setting them nicely on a chair next to me and speaking with my neighbor about the kids and life at home. I didn’t have very many friends since we lived in a small town in Argentina and our close family was really far away. I was the only child my mother and father would have. My only companions were my dolls, my dog Sandy and my mom (dad was in the picture but he was working). I remember sitting in the kitchen striking up a conversation with my mother; when she remembers now “you were this little mommy making sure all her babies were being fed and looked after; while holding a conversation with me. You looked like a wonderful mom and you were only six!”. Since both my parents could remember I wanted to be a mom and a wife. Ya! I know! It’s cliché but it was what I dreamed of all my life. To be a mom and to wait for my husband at home with a home cooked meal.

While some girls were dreaming about being doctors and teachers I wanted to be a mom. When I tell people now a days that they’re like “Why? Don’t you want a career?”. When I was younger I would try to put it into words and explain to them the joy of having a family brought to my life. Then they would ask “Are your parents divorced? Trouble at home..Ya everyone whose had a broken home wants that white picket fence dream.” Which prompted me to say “Wow! OK!” at which time I had to jump in and explain that my parents have been married and in love for over thirty years, but I was also realistic it wasn’t all perfect. My parents gave me a wonderful home and filled my life with love and support. Which led me to explain that having children, a husband and a home (not a $500,000 mansion but a home) was a continuation of the love I had experienced through my parents. That having a career meant diaper duty and date nights. I felt like I always had to explain my dream to everyone because they didn’t get it. If I asked people “What do you want to do?’ and if they answered “Study to be a doctor, teacher or lawyer” I didn’t question their aspirations or asked for an explanation. I felt like my dreamed had to be explained constantly. For sometime I fought and explained to people why being a mom and wife was my dream in a world that was losing control. I remember buying a Winnie the Pooh book at sixteen that I planned on giving to my first born on his/her first birthday. No one understood me except my mom, but that’s in her mommy contract, so for a long time I kept it to myself.

By the time I reached eighteen I started the phase most people like to call “party phase” yes I went out, drank, smoked, danced, was spontaneous, met people and travelled. I started doing stuff you do when your eighteen; just went out there and enjoyed it. I never forgot or changed what I wanted; it stuck with me. I just wanted to experience a few things before settling down.

By the time I reached nineteen I had not gotten a period. Which really worried my mother. We’d gone to the doctor at sixteen and he said “She’s a late bloomer”. Which I replied “great, I don’t have to worry about pads!” at that time it was a relief but when I turned twenty one and still had not seen a spot of blood I panicked. It was an “Oh shit I think something’s wrong” moment. I went to my family doctor who did some blood work and then referred me to a specialist. So I went to see the specialist and did a batteries of test and he suggested I start hormone replacement treatments-this was late 90’s. So I started the treatment and quickly put on thirty pounds and had more mood swings than a woman in menopause. So, I stopped the treatment all together because I was a sack of nerves. At the same time I stopped seeing my specialist. Weird thing was I don’t remember him telling me what I had just that I needed to start this hormone treatment.

Fast forward two broken long term relationships that led to absolutely no marriage, no white picket fence and no dream. I was really distraught after a broken relationship that I thought would become a lifelong commitment. Having gained so much weight while in the relationship, at the age of twenty seven and no strong relationship to even dare to dream my impossible dream about starting a family. I decided to do the next logical thing, no I didn’t get a make over and party with my already engaged and married girlfriends, I did the oddest thing. I called my doctor and told him that I wanted to run more tests and find what was wrong with me. At twenty seven I still had not gotten a period. Obviously, I went through the motions tests, specialist, more tests, more tests and more tests. I was finally diagnosed with GnRH deficiency (in other words I couldn’t get pregnant without treatments). Instead of making myself happier I had put myself in a darker place. I asked myself: “Who would want a fat and infertile woman?” Q> depression, it was really bad I started baking like Martha Stewart was going to close down her website, and her recipes would disappear for life! I was making two to three cakes a day. My very supportive parents ate them and  stuck with me while I worked through my issues. My mother understanding what was going on with me and not asking, because I don’t like to admit I’m sad, so she just talked to me. I got out of my depression.

I decided to focus on working and building a career. That failed completely! It didn’t make me happy. I constantly felt this burden and all these worries started to shoot into my head: “Your almost thirty and you don’t even have a boyfriend; not even an idea of a boyfriend!” I didn’t panic like I would have three years ago. I thought about it and accepted it. Sometimes dreams don’t come in the perfect package we make up in our minds. Not everything we want will happen how we want it and when we want. I decided to take control and reach my dream on my own. I decided to start IVF treatments and be a single mother.

Being a single mother is not what I had in mind; I want my child to have a father but it doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me. I just decided to take a leap of faith and head this on my own. Its scary I am not going to lie and I am sure there’s plenty of strong independent women who have achieved raising children alone. For me it’s a big step and I intend to write about here so that one day I hope my son or daughter will read this and know how wanted  and loved they truly are.

This blog will document my journey to becoming a mother on my own. I will blog about other things but the core of all it will be this new and amazing journey.

Posted in 2012 | Tagged | Leave a comment

HellO WOrld!

Why is writing the first post such a headache?!?!

Do I have to introduce myself to you?

I’ve already deleted three very immature lines from this post..ugh! I do have an amazing second post which will be up soon-I promise.

Whatever I post will be sincere and what I’m living. I am going through some amazing changes! A little something my parents like to call “growing up”.

What a great way to chill out; start a blog.

Whatever the reason I started this was to document my journey and hopefully reach someone else who is going through something similar or just to connect.

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in 2012 | Leave a comment